


Enough.

by carpethefanfics



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, Heart Break, M/M, Make Up, NSFW, Smut, explicit - Freeform, heart ache
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-17 20:59:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10602117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpethefanfics/pseuds/carpethefanfics
Summary: "The tears were trailing down Remus’ cheek. He clasped Sirius' hand and squeezed. He wanted to speak, wanted to apologize repeatedly, wanted to burn the words into Sirius’ skin so he would know it was real, that he meant it."





	

**Author's Note:**

> NSFW
> 
> Enjoy.

  * Remus wasn’t sure what he was doing there
  * The room was so full of smoke he was practically choking
  * The music was so loud he could barely hear his own thoughts let alone the voice of the man next to him
  * Not that he was really paying attention to him anyway
  * The guy was babbling on about something to do with fiscal responsibility and the bank where he worked but Remus could care less
  * The only reason he had stuck around to ‘listen’ was the beer the man brought
  * _Oh yes_ , that’s why he was here, _alcohol_.
  * So Remus tightened his grip around the pint and chugged
  * As he wiped the foam from his lip he realized the chatter in his ear had quieted
  * _Thank Merlin_
  * He cocked his head to the side to see if the young man with the blue-ish eyes and light brown hair had finally taken the hint only to realize he was staring at someone from across the bar
  * Remus, out of pure curiosity, followed the man’s glance and then practically spit his beer out
  * It was like the air had suddenly left his lungs
  * All sensation in his hands and feet disappeared
  * _Oh god_
  * _What in the hell was he doing here?_
  * Remus had made this bar his home for the past few weeks specifically because he had never been prior
  * And he knew it was a muggle hot spot which meant most wizards stayed at bay
  * Which meant _he_ would stay at bay
  * Obviously, Remus was wrong because there he was in his stupidly tight jeans and ridiculously well fitted leather jacket
  * His normally long tousled black locks had been twisted into a knot on his head, a few wisps falling out to grace the back of his neck and the side of his face
  * Of all the bars in all the cities he just had to walk into this one
  * Remus’ grip tightened on his pint, still frothy from being poured, and brought it to his lips
  * ‘Okay Remus
  * You came here so that the alcohol would take the edge off and that’s what you’re going to do
  * Ignore the blatantly fit young man standing at the bar
  * Pretend his jeans don’t make his arse look rather perfect
  * Or that the way his hand is gripping that glass makes you think …
  * STOP IT REMUS JOHN LUPIN
  * YOU SAID YOU WERE DONE
  * YOU WALKED OUT
  * You walked out.
  * _You walked out …’_
  * His heart dropped into the hollow pit of his stomach as those three words rang over and over in his head
  * The weight that had been sitting on his shoulders for the past few weeks returned
  * The heaviness settled there like it had never dissipated
  * And he figured it really hadn’t, not since then, since that fight  
  

  * _FLASHBACK_
  * It was like he had been drowning for the past few weeks and Sirius had barely noticed
  * He was so preoccupied with working two jobs just to keep their apartment, just to keep them fed
  * He was running around going on his own Order missions
  * And making sure to visit James and Lily, to visit Harry
  * That he couldn’t see Remus gasping for air
  * Remus had spent the entire day in bed curled under their covers, keeping out the light, trying to get the images from his latest mission out of his head
  * The blood, the teeth, the smell of death and rotting which seemed ever present on his clothes
  * He would lay there and listen to his breathing imagining the four of them out by Black Lake
  * Imagining the sound of Sirius’ laugh and picturing the eccentric manic waving of James’ arms as he spoke and hearing Peter as he laughed between crunching down on some new snack he had 
  * It made this war see less real, less deadly
  * If he could just go back, this darkness would dispel and he could let himself be happy again
  * But he knew that wasn’t the case
  * He knew they had to defeat the Dark Lord if they had any chance at a life, any chance at a future
  * He shuddered at the thought as he heard the door creak open
  * He could hear Sirius rustling through the closet and then through their drawers
  * He peeked his head out from under the covers
  * Sirius’ back was to him but it was like he sensed Remus, ‘I’ve got work’
  * Remus nodded his head solemnly at the emotionless, hollow way Sirius spoke
  * He wanted to scream
  * He hated this curse, hated the way Dumbledore was using it, hated that it kept him so tightly locked up in himself that he couldn’t even run
  * ‘I’m sorry’
  * The words were so familiar on Remus’ tongue but he regretted it immediately
  * It was like the entire atmosphere of the room shifted
  * ‘I really don’t want to hear it Remus,’ Sirius’ voice was rough, hard
  * ‘I know. I’m sorry.’
  * It was all he could say anymore, all he could feel
  * ‘Would you quit it with the bloody apologies!’
  * Sirius had harshly slammed the drawers shut now and turned to face Remus
  * ‘No! I’m doing this to you!’
  * Remus rose from the bed, his head in the palms of his hands, his shoulders quaking
  * ‘No you aren’t! You aren’t doing anything!’
  * Remus rose his eyes to meet Sirius whose jaw was tightly clenched and whose hands were balled into fists
  * This argument had been building for so long
  * They had been dancing around each other for weeks
  * It was like they weren’t even themselves anymore
  * They were just shells of who they once were because the war had taken its toll
  * ‘And maybe that’s the problem Remus’
  * ‘I know Sirius, I know and I’m so sorry. I wish I could …’
  * Remus could feel the sobs escaping his chest, sobs he had been trying so hard to keep down
  * But Sirius wasn’t moving
  * His feet were practically glued to the floor
  * Remus could feel Sirius’ temper flare, it was like the temperature in the entire room rose
  * ‘Enough Remus, I’ve had enough’
  * Remus was clutching his chest now
  * His heart felt like it was going to explode
  * But all he did was grip the blankets around him and watch Sirius storm from the room  
 _END OF FLASHBACK_


  * It seemed small whenever he thought of it
  * So insignificant when so little words were exchanged
  * When so many things were left unsaid
  * But Remus didn’t want to make Sirius feel that way anymore
  * That kind of anger could overwhelm a person
  * And Sirius deserved more, way more than Remus ever knew he could offer
  * So he left that night
  * He packed a small bag, just enough to keep him going, no more no less
  * And he left
  * He hadn’t seen Sirius since then
  * Not when he had come pounding on Peter’s door the next day
  * Not when he had come pounding on the Potter’s door six days after that
  * Not when he had practically knocked the motel door off its hinges
  * Because Remus couldn’t answer
  * He could hear Sirius shouting through the doors
  * ‘YOU DON’T GET TO RUN FROM THIS’
  * ‘YOU DON’T GET TO SHUT ME OUT REMUS’
  * Remus’ heart would tighten, his breathing always so stifled
  * He wanted to yank that door open every single time
  * How could he not?
  * This was Sirius after all
  * But before he could even wrap his fingers around the doorknob his mind would send its assault
  * _You aren’t enough for him, you don’t do enough_
  * _Look at what you’re doing, the stress, the weight, he’s suffering because of you_
  * And Remus knew that was true
  * He saw it every time Sirius left James and Lily
  * Sirius’ heart in his throat because maybe this was the last time
  * He saw it every time Sirius came back from a mission because by this point just a look from him and Remus knew they had lost another
  * The war made the world grey but it had always been for them … between the Ancient House of Black and Remus’ furry little problem they were shrouded by a dark cloud
  * Until they found each other
  * And then the world had light, it had bright vibrant shimmering colours that made the grey feel like it had faded
  * ‘Not anymore,’ Remus sighed, ‘I just add to the black’
  * So he brought his glass to his lips one more time and finished it
  * He slammed it on the table much more loudly than anticipated and rose from his seat
  * He couldn’t be here
  * It hurt too much to see Sirius, to know he was so close and yet so far
  * To know that he was the reason
  * He had to keep his promise to himself, had to keep Sirius safe
  * If not just from who he had become in this war but from what he felt like he was becoming
  * _If the wolves knew about Sirius …_
  * He gritted his jaw at the thought that ran across his mind
  * He slid from the table, completely ignoring the questions coming from the mouth of the man at his side, and fixated his eyes on the bar’s side door
  * _Get out, get out, get out_
  * He brushed past person after person, his jacket not even done, his collar partially raised, praying to something that his hat would mask his face
  * That Sirius wouldn’t catch his frame sliding from the bar
  * When he swung the alleyway door open and felt the cool air hit his face, he sighed, ‘Thank you’
  * ‘Talking to yourself now?’
  * Remus’ body jolted
  * _He had seen him_
  * ‘Trying to run again?’
  * Remus could barely breath, this is what he had been trying to avoid
  * One look at Sirius, one touch, he would cave
  * ‘Just going to stand there like the blithering idiot you are or are you going to talk to me?’
  * Remus ground his bottom lip between his teeth
  * He knew he owed Sirius this much
  * Just one chat, a moment to release the anger he knew was there
  * And then Sirius would be safe because he would move on
  * So what if he hated him?
  * He would be better, he would be alive, he could actually _live_
  * Remus slowly spun on his heels and lifted his head slightly
  * Sirius was standing with his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket
  * The wind blowing the curls that had fallen from his knot against his neck
  * _Why did he always have to look so bloody good?_
  * ‘Okay,’ Remus huffed
  * He had his fist tightly clenched in the pockets of his coat
  * He was waiting, waiting for Sirius to start yelling, to grab him by the opening of his jacket and ram his head off the bricks behind them
  * But Remus had always been a little off when it came to Sirius Black
  * Did he grab him by his jacket? Absolutely
  * Did he push him into the brick wall with reckless abandon? Check
  * Did he also smash his lips so harshly against Remus’ that he was sure he saw stars? _You bet your ass_
  * Remus’ head was screaming at him, ‘STOP IT, GET OUT’
  * But his heart, his heart …
  * Sirius’ lips were so soft, so greedy, so familiar
  * His breath was hot against Remus’ mouth
  * His hands working their way under Remus’ coat, beneath his jumper, grasping painfully at his hips
  * He was grinding himself into Remus
  * The tightness of his jeans almost unbearable
  * _Merlin it felt so good after so long_
  * It felt like the first time all over again
  * But Remus wasn’t hesitant like he had been at sixteen years’ old
  * He knew Sirius now, knew what he liked
  * So he slipped his hands into Sirius’ jacket and grabbed him roughly by the waist, a muffled gasp escaping Sirius’ lips
  * _Oh god, that noise_
  * Now their chest’s were together, their hips more harshly pressed
  * He ran his tongue along Sirius’ bottom lip and eagerly entered as Sirius groaned into his mouth
  * It was like Sirius had lit a fire all over his body
  * To go so long without touching him, without actually feeling him
  * He hadn’t realized how much the pit of his stomach craved that feeling
  * His mind was still yelling run but his heart, well it had been longing to come home
  * ‘Come back?’
  * Remus could barely hear the words between the taste of whiskey of Sirius’ tongue and the way his fingernails dug into Remus’ back
  * But he nodded his head ever so slightly and with a _Pop!_ they were gone
  * His back hit the bed so hard and so fast his vision blurred for a moment
  * He couldn’t think straight
  * But it was what he wanted, what he had wanted for so long, what he had missed
  * The sight of Sirius before him peeling his shirt over his head and exposing his pale, tattooed chest to him
  * _Merlin_
  * Remus could barely control himself
  * His eyes were locked on his lean frame as Sirius padded towards him
  * He was nothing but hungry eyes and swollen lips
  * Sirius’ knees hit the bed and suddenly he was crawling up Remus’ body
  * The sight drove Remus’ mind into overdrive
  * Sirius’ lips were parted ever so slightly
  * He had thrown the hair tie from the knot on his head across the room
  * His hair framed his face in a tousled mess of dark, dark curls as though he had been running his fingers through it repeatedly
  * _I want to do that,_ Remus thought
  * And then Sirius was kneeling before him
  * His heavily lidded eyes still locked, his jaw tense, his chest heaving
  * Before Remus knew it Sirius’ hands were on his hips pulling him towards him, sliding between his parted legs, pressing his hips into his own again
  * His heart was hammering in his chest, his ears ringing
  * And it was most definitely not from the alcohol
  * Sirius was leaning downward now
  * So, so slowly
  * Way too slowly
  * His hand slipped behind Remus’ neck, his other tightly wrapped around Remus’ thigh
  * ‘ _Remus’_
  * The word made the fire in Remus’ chest burn
  * Sirius’ hand was trailing up his thigh now
  * Slipping under his shirt once more
  * Running along the jagged scars and faded marks that decorated his skin
  * The hem of his t-shirt slowly ridding higher and higher until it was slipping over his head
  * _This was colour, this was light_
  * Remus was sitting with his back against the headboard now, the room completely dark, Sirius’ soft breathing the only sound he could hear
  * His mind was in overdrive again, the worry, the anxiety, he was trying not to let it ruin him again, ruin this
  * But then, as if he could read his mind, Sirius’ rolled over
  * ‘You know why I came and found you at that bar tonight?’
  * Remus cocked his head over at the groggy voice
  * ‘Something Lily said. She told me there were times when she was with James that she got this overwhelming fear. He’s a pureblood, she’s not, and she thought it might be the reason people came for him.’
  * Remus harshly swallowed, trying to concentrate on Sirius’ voice and not the stinging in his eyes
  * ‘You know what Jamie told her?’
  * Remus caught his lip between his teeth again, sure this time he would draw blood
  * ‘He told her that there was nothing in this world that could take his love for her away. Nothing that anyone did, or would do could change that. There was nothing that she did that could either. Because Moons, your heart is your heart and when it connects to someone, well, that’s it.’
  * Remus was gripping onto the sheets at Sirius’ words
  * His muscles so tightly wound he thought he might burst
  * He felt Sirius slowly rise from the bed
  * His face leaning towards him, his breath gentle and warm on Remus’ neck
  * ‘I sort of understand now why you ran. And maybe one day you’ll tell me about it. But for now, for now I love you. And no matter how angry I got, how angry I still feel, my heart swells at the thought of you. And that’s it.’
  * The tears were trailing down Remus’ cheeks
  * He clasped Sirius hand and squeezed
  * He wanted to speak, wanted to apologize repeatedly, wanted to burn the words into Sirius’ skin so he would know it was real, that he meant it
  * That he loved him too
  * But all he could do was squeeze
  * And for now, like Sirius said, _that was enough._



**Author's Note:**

> http://carpethefanfics.tumblr.com/post/153264713427/enough


End file.
